My Sinking Ship

I just finished reading a great book. It’s the kind of book where I nod my head often in agreement, laugh out loud at anecdotes expertly placed in the context of a chapter lesson, and cry uncontrollably at the end….wait…what? Yeah I was surprised too!

So I, of course, have to blog it out.

This book opened old flesh wounds for me. I know I connect with gifted kids because of the way that I see and do things differently. Being different is hard, it’s fun, it’s exciting, it empowers me, but it is hard. Sometimes emotionally hard, when others be-little what I spend time doing in my room, and act as if I am not really teaching. Professionally hard, when I am evaluated on a set of in the box standards for what my students should be doing each minute of the day instead of looking at the outcome of knowledge. Personally hard because I have spent hours, days, years creating and designing and researching….at the expense of my own family, always trying to manage that balance between school and home, knowing the powerful impact it will have on these future citizens, only to be reprimanded for not following the plan. It’s hard to sacrifice time with my own son and feel the daggers being thrown , and still choose to fight for my students.

I have given up many things these past two or three years, and I think some of the tears were about missed opportunities with those students. I still flew the pirate flag occasionally, but most of the time the white flag was out, and I taught in the box I was handed…the same box that every other teacher gets. I did it partly for some personal health reasons, but that really isn’t the whole reason. I did it because I was tired. I will never get those kids back, and that makes me sad.

I also cried I think because I am scared. Scared to face the oncoming marauders..again. I am inspired to get back up and wield my sword once again, but the wounds of past battles remind me that it will not be easy, it will not be popular, it will not be pretty. I will have to build up my mental and physical self, my skin will have to become thick again, and I will have to work hard to keep the balance of work and home because my son needs me to be present and engaged.

My final burst of tears was about what other people think…something Dave talks about. This is a transition year for us. New building, new teams, fairly new principal. Even without flying my flag, this would be a hard year. I will expose myself to people I barely know. I will cause waves in the new pond, and that will force my principal to analyze me and decide whether or not he can afford to let the waves roll, or if he has to get me back in the box for the sake of controlling the masses. I respect him, and I don’t want to cause him extra stress in an already stressful year.

So what will I do? Lay down my sword and leave the fight to a younger, less scarred pirate? I doubt it. I will most likely grab the sword, run into the oncoming year, and raise my pirate flag proudly over my ship. I just wish I felt better about it than I do right now.

Passion vs Plan

This isn’t the first time I have had this conversation with myself. It’s not even the first time I have had this conversation with some of you! It seems, however, that I need to hear it again, re-calibrate my sense of balance, so I am hoping you will all chime in and help me on this one.

I am all about having kids learn with passion, I want to give even more focus to that this year. I am also trying to figure out how to better embed reading and writing into my other content areas, include more primary source documents, and maintain a student centered classroom…hmmm…already I am out of energy:). Just kidding, keep reading.

SO, I am also moving into a new building, in a new room in which I have no pre-conceived notions about what it should look like, where things should go, etc. here’s my idea…4th grade here is all about Missouri studies…rules and laws, settlements, landscape, cities, economics of regions, right up through westward expansion, civil war…and comparing the Missouri of then and now. I already set up my room as a little community with a constitution draft in the first week, a job and payment system, so I am thinking why not start the year as a new state, declare ourselves, let the kids decide everything…what do we need to establish order, jobs, rural and urban regions. (Rural is book corner, urban is computers). So it would be this constant reference to the history and evolution of Missouri as we go through the year, and by May we would be talking about what the future of Missouri might look like. Huge idea, very sketchy in my head, but cool I think. What do you think?

Next question…how does this allow for my students to learn with passion? Is it already too structured for them to be able to make it their own? What if they just aren’t passionate about Missouri history? It’s that balance between letting go and keeping enough control to teach what I need to teach…I can give them a chunk of time in the day to work on passion projects, I had already had that in my head, but is that enough?

OK..please help me hash this out all you brilliant minds! Rip it apart, I can take it, and thanks in advance for taking time to help me out!

Growing Local

Today I made a decision about my social network. It came from what I must say is a surprising revelation about how many people in my district are now on twitter! When I started on twitter, a small handful of my nerdiest and most geeky friends were there, and so I started with them, then reached further to build my network. I followed and had conversations with people around the world, and when I needed answers they were out there waiting to help. Twitter was a place for my brain to stretch, and where I could say things that I may not be comfortable bringing up in a room full of teachers in my district.

Now twitter is “the deal” around here, and so I had to say to myself “self, why aren’t you you growing locally?” Six years ago I had to look outside my district, now I can draw inspiration from the people who actually live in my zip code! That’s progress! I am ever hopeful that our district is moving in the right direction.

Yet, as I sit here and click the follow button repeatedly, a twinge of fear bubbles to the surface. I am exposing my soft underbelly to people who I might pass in the halls, see at a baseball game, stand behind in line at Starbucks. Do I want them to see me?

I suppose I would be a hypocrite if I said no, because for years I have been saying how isolated and different from others I have felt, and now they are here, waiting to connect. So I guess it’s time to grow locally!