I’m back from the silence, and writing again. Seems like someone else has been driving the bus lately, and I am just along for the ride. I don’t know exactly who is driving, and I am not sure how I got on this bus, but I am telling you that it has been quite a long bumpy ride so far, and this is my conscious effort to get off the bus, or start driving it myself perhaps.
Do you ever just feel like you have lost control, and you can’t put a finger on when it happened? It doesn’t happen all at once, because then you would realize it. It happens a tiny bit at a time…one little thing gets chipped away, then another, and when you turn around to see where you have been, you realize how far off course you are. Who picked this road? How did we get turned in this direction? Is my GPS broken?
I did a lot of bus driving last year, and I liked it. I took some risks, helped make decisions, paved the road. I also took some hits for it, and decided it was time for me to let someone else drive for awhile. I needed to nap in the back seat, eat some cheetos, see if someone else could do a better job of driving than I did. So I napped, and the bus moved on, and now that I am awake and feeling refreshed I can’t imagine how we got where we are! I guess that is what happens when you nap….someone else takes the wheel and takes the bus in their own direction. Now I am left wondering if I am even on the right bus. Maybe I need to drive again, but it seems like we will only be covering the same road we have traveled before, and when I get tired again, the bus will turn back the way we came and all of our progress will be lost.
If you haven’t quit reading this by now, I am surprised. I don’t know that this post really has an audience, or needs one. I am just at a point of internal conflict I suppose, and for the first time in 16 years I am not really sure that I want to be doing this anymore. Not because I don’t love it, but because I don’t think I am doing it well anymore. I let someone else drive the bus, and now I don’t know if I can get the wheel back again. What shall I do? I know not……
Oh, my friend! I know how you feel. I’m in Matthew’s room this morning snuggling, reading stories and realizing that in two days I have to go back to school and even though I’ve had 16 days off I haven’t looked at papers, lesson plans, my website–nothing! Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it means I don’t have the burning passion I used to have.
This is the best school year I’ve had in 4 years. The kids enjoy the lessons and the classroom. They’re still saying how good this year is and how the day flies by etc. But I don’t feel like I’m giving it what I could be giving it. I’m tired of fighting to teach the way I want to teach. I vacillate between going in my room and not talking about the good things I do and being so excited that I have to tell someone and then being crushed because they don’t understand where I’m coming from or they tell me why they believe my way is all wrong.
I love teaching, but for the most part it is the way I earn a living and I’m trying to focus much more of my attention on my family, ministry, and hobbies.
@Jules,
I knew you would get it—this too shall pass, am I right? I think I am most nervous about it because I am getting a student teacher for 12 weeks- don’t want to scare the poor girl to death 😉 Looking forward to seeing you at METC!
Right now I’m not sure anyone is driving the bus. It’s a runaway with no driver. NCLB has gotten so out of hand and there is so much pressure that the real purpose of what we’re doing gets sucked up as we are flying down this highway. On a good day I remember that I’m there for the kids and I plan to be there when we get this bus stopped to pick up the pieces and just focus on good teaching. On a bad day I fantasize about being a stay-at-home mom or homeschooling or even selling real estate! 🙂 See you in a couple of weeks!
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